Can I help you?

What glass ceiling? What is she doing up there?

Jeez, how can you eat that rubbish?

OMG! Have you heard the news?

My 5th birthday, my yoghurt. Get over it.

I'm Poppy. And I intend to make myself right at home.

Where the hell have you been? I'm locked out here.

Just being handsome. I can't help it.

You're kidding - this is the "generously sized" swimming pool it promised in the brochure?

Look at me - chilling.

I'm Alfie. Or Leo. And I'm watching you.

Work? This is work, and it's damn tough.

But I can see you alright...

Vampire cats come out to creep into your bedrooms

Do you mind? Can I have a bit of privacy, please?

You think this is cute? I call it stuck.

Gingerly does it - it's hard when someone's watching-

And then we were two kittens - looking forward to our new life!

Melancholy guard duty

Leave ... me ... alone.

The Mask of Zorro - He Rides Again

I'll wriggle where I choose, my garden or not.

My favourite tarmac roof in the sun plus drainpipe.

Phew, what a scorcher!

How's my posing?

Annoyingly Nosey Neighbourhood Know-it-all

As tough as life gets (stree-eetch!)...

What evil out there lurks?

Correction, it's my bowl and spoon now.

I caught Yoshka licking up the rhubarb yoghurt from my bowl I put down next to the computer. I should be annoyed, but it's organic and low fat so I'm rather proud of her choice.

No, you can't sleep on the table. Oh, go on, then ...

"That cat is not even ours and you're encouraging him to sleep on the table!" my wife complained. I denied it in no uncertain terms, of course, but the two comfy cushions I had positioned carefully in readiness before his gracious arrival betrayed me.

That's better, Harley...

... actually, it's Yoshka's part of the garden, so sling your hook, Harley.

Honoured that we are that Harley chose our garden to sleep in...

That anti-cat netting really worked, eh?

Even Yoshka obeys Dude Cat's verbal command

Video: Mustn't forget under her chin...

Oh yes, master!

Just hanging.

Photo courtesy of Kareem Black. His kitten, Georgio.

Now wash your hands...

Photo of Georgio courtesy of Kareem Black

Hi, just giving the ol' whiskers an airing...

Relaxo-cats.

Darwin, Tazzy and Syd, with thanks to Kate Nash

If he moves a finger he won't find me so cuddly ....

Tazzy the cat, with thanks to Kate Nash

Doh! Forgot what I came in here for...

Darwin the cat, with thanks to Kate Nash

I should be annoyed - it's my bench. But I'm in love.

Shhh! He's sleeping!

Who shall challenge me today in my kingdom?

I told you I would come back as a cat

Smell first, eat later. I love flowers.

Getting fat but I can still make this leap ... must focus, get in the zone ...

Worried I won't make the next jump...

Warming one paw over the radiator

This is how Yoshka spends most of the winter now. After eating she'll pop out and have a gossip with the other cats, hop up on the fence, then the shed roof, then next door's conservatory roof, then she'll saunter in, jump up onto my wife's desk where I have laid a blanket for her, and she'll settle down for a good 6 or 7 hours of nothing, really, but always with one paw on the window sill so that the heat from the radiator is trapped under her front leg. I guess it warms up her chest or whatever. My wife isn't too happy about losing a good portion of her desk real estate, but she's easy-going enough not to make a song and dance of it.

And that's it - totally boring, but Yoshka's happy. And you don't want to make a cat unhappy, that's for sure.

I can wait, believe me. You will not win.

What forces of hell have I unleashed outside my back door? How on earth do other cats get to know that occasionally, yes, I feed a stray? They're queuing up now from the moment I wake up to when I lay my little head down to rest. It's embarrassing - they're noisy, they squabble, they're very indiscreet.

But that still leaves my first question unanswered: how do they tell each other and why? Sign language? Yet I read that cats are so stupid they don't even have an IQ, they have an EQ, which quite frankly annoys me as I have often chatted to my cats thinking that we might be meeting on some conversational level, if not an obvious one. Here's one who thinks he'll kind of hang around hopefully outside my back door - it won't work. Well, it might .... cheeky sod.